I recently received an invitation to do something exciting and expansive; something well beyond my comfort zone. More accurately, this invitation felt like the equivalent of stepping into a cannon and being launched so far out that I couldn’t even see a safe place to land, let alone the remnants of my comfort zone.
But I immediately said yes.
Before I could talk myself out of it, before I could justify all of the reasons that I wasn’t the right woman for the job, that there had to be someone better or more suited or more intelligent or more on top of her game or more/more/more, I said yes.
Because this year? This is my year of listening; honestly, deeply, full of intent and faith, listening.
Each year on the eve of the Winter Solstice, a night practically dripping with the energy of the Sacred Feminine, I drop deep into prayer and ritual. I celebrate and release the year I have had and then set the intentions of the year I desire ahead. A huge piece, potentially THE piece, in consciously creating my upcoming year is to choose a word, just one, that will act as the theme for that year.
This one sacred word definitely does show up and shape my year. But, after many years of this practice, I am finding that my chosen word is shaping me. Now that may seem obvious, that a word chosen to shape a year would also shape the person, but I never expected how subtle and how huge the difference would be.
I would choose my word to set the tone for the year that I needed; for the kind of year that I felt I needed to move through. But what I have learned is that I am actually setting the tone for the person I need to grow into. See that? Moving through versus growing into? It’s a small difference in wording but the difference over the course of three hundred and sixty-five days is mind blowing.
And this year of listening?
She is kicking my butt.
For some reason, I thought it would be a year of sweet and gentle guidance; little spiritual signs and nudges guiding me along my path to a more awake and more wholly embodied human being. You know, all love and light, and flowy Free People dresses while wearing a flower crown.
What a year of listening is actually looking like, at only three and a half months in, is this:
Listening demands that I show up, that I heed and hear all of the sacred nudges and signs. Which, as it turns out, isn’t all angel fluff and unicorn farts.
Deep listening has me going toe to toe with every single subconscious belief system I carry, no matter how deep the roots, and then insisting that I either move with or away from them. We’re talking belief systems around self-worth, God, my mom, what it is to be female, limitations, Spirit, prayer, myself as a mother/lover/healer. Belief systems that have been in play, deep in the background, for almost the entirety of my life.
Listening is asking me to release just as easily as I receive.
Listening, in a tough love kind of way, expects me to open my heart even more fully to spirit and flow even deeper with grace.
Listening means saying yes to going beyond my comfort zone.
Listening means saying yes to saying no, which, for a Stage 5 people pleaser? Come on.
Listening means relinquishing my human mind’s notion of “control.”
Listening means fostering a holy connection to my physical body; honouring the force and wisdom of her energetic yeses and nos.
Analytically, that covers it.
But there is so much more, because, ultimately, listening is an immersion in the most profound sense of faith. It is a perpetual dance with heart, spirit and soul. It is a beautiful surrender to that which is so much bigger than the human self. It is all at once beautiful and painful, expanding and exhausting.
It is letting yourself be raked over the coals of who you thought you were so that you can return home to who you truly are. It is a commitment to move, act and live from the wisdom of a vibrant and wide awake heart. It is a complete tear-down and an even more complete act of growth.
And so, I am listening.
I am surrendering, releasing, and unravelling.
I am dropping into the deepest state of acceptance and allowance available to me.
I am declaring my freedom and vulnerability so that I may truly be seen, heard, and felt.
I am allowing Spirit to declare dominion over my entire being, while whispering softly: I am yours, I am yours, I am yours. Do what you will with me, I am yours.